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Tonight you sparkled
and looked so naïve.
Tonight you glowed
and your aura exploded.
Tonight you brought light
to the eyes of almost-three-year-olds.
And for all the jokes,
all the put-downs
and slights,
all the times I made you feel
second best,
when you looked at me
through the crowd
and we shared a private look
I was just so
PROUD
to be your friend.

What I seem to be lacking
is that pull.
You know the one,
it draws you
like a magnet
towards him
and you need to touch him
and stay near him
and get his attention.

I feel stretched
over continents,
over boundaries
I shouldn't have to face.
His thin lips,
his blue eyes,
and his boyish smile
cannot carry me much longer.
I need contact.

The conundrum that is winter formal has been solved.

Instead of going to a dance that I don't enjoy with a dress that I haven't bought (and don't have the money to do so) with the date that I don't have (and pretty much everyone else does) so I can feel bad about myself and the current unfortunate situation I find myself in while everyone else has a good time, I have decided to find refuge in the world of bare theatre and hang out with Seth, Becca and Eowyn that night instead and sleep at their house. We will eat pizza, watch movies, listen to seth's inappropriate humor, get introduced to everyone by Eowyn ("Tara, this is my friend mommy!") and overall it will be nice to be back.

Thank god for compromises.

The fear is
very real.
An avoided
and denied
reality
was realized
that one night.
Exhaustion and giddy joy
were its parents
and for a frightening moment
I cared too much.

If I am so easily swayed
by natural circumstances
I fear the consequences
of stronger things.

So that's why.
That's why you seemed
so clear
and somehow
so distant.

I shied away from saying
love
and so did the red one
but you declared
and held my hand
and made empty promises.

You did everything right
nothing you said was wrong
as if you had rehearsed
and now I know
you did.
Thanks for shaking my self esteem
in your stupid black polo.

Grasping.
Always grasping.
In that moment
between sleep and wake
I grasp,
I hold tight,
and I hope to never let go.

Though the images vanish,
the ideas are bastardized
with senseless words
that cannot describe,
it is still mine.
The secret kisses,
the flushed faces,
that dizzying feeling
of first
forbidden
love
that is for once
possible.

And your porcelain face
the baby one
that was so pink with
excitement
hidden by that red wig
and that tux you wore
so convincingly
will always,
always
be mine.
Only mine.

We're very similar.
His young, wise, and perfect love
forces me into corners
on to bathroom floors
crying in the dark.
And still it is his
imagined affections
rocking me into comfort
into salvation
that can dam up the
rivers of my eyes.

I hate mature realizations. I like the world of fantasy that I create for myself and I don't like to admit that it's not healthy. I've been pretty all around miserable though since last night and I think he's part of it. Damn. Stupid Anne-Marie.

Ok so you know it's a crazy weird day when at the end of it, you find yourself driving around down town at 10:00 wearing a professional chef's hat and listening to Boys Don't Cry by the Cure over and over again.

Also quote of yesterday: Katie: "Sarah, it's hard to concentrate on otters and famous cats named ray when you're cooking latkes"


Oh yeah, and there was a blue sweatshirt left at my house (and I have no idea whose it is since David and Teresa switch sweatshirts all the time) and Teresa left her scarf. So if you guys even still read my livejournal I would like to get those back to you before school starts up again.


FINALLY my anger point! Someone told me a rumor that Atonement would be out by christmas at the colony but it is NOT looking that way since the Galaxy says they're not getting it until January 4th, which is after school starts back up and is only one week away from the Golden Globes that I'm watching for that movie. GOSH! That means I'm going to have to try to see it five times that one weekend so that by the golden globes I will be well informed. AND I'm going to be in rehearsal then! GRRRRRRR!

until I'm done Done DONE with exams!


I only have to look over ways of being and calculus tonight and then I'm DONE!

I'm in love with James McAvoy.

It's intense.


If you would like to see him, I recommend going here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gjr2nX8gLyc&feature=related


You can't see his face really well, but that scene is sooo sweet.


Anyway. I just needed to put that out there.

I made bran muffins tonight. I ate one and it was still warm. They're very good. I love cook's illustrated magazine.

I feel like my life is back on track. I had some hard stuff this week and some things that hurt, but I think I'm working through it.

Also I put some things together today that through pure luck worked out. yay.

But grey's anatomy was lame. Oh well.

Today I asked Mr. K if I could get some water during advisory. He was like "are you going to go down the hall and smoke with Gaby?" It was sooo out of the blue since I'm pretty sure I have a reputation for being a goody two shoes at that school and also I hate Gaby. She's really annoying. I was like "no mr. K. Why would I smoke at the water fountain when I can legally smoke anywhere not on school property?"

Ridiculous.


Also today I finally got the guts up to tell some people how I really feel about some things that were making me unhappy. It involved some tears on the phone and a little bit of hurt on all sides, but I think overall it was the right thing to do.

So, even though I have been working really hard to make sure I see friends a lot this break I am still a pathetic little weasel. I have been playing hearts a LOT. I downloaded a free version of the fantastic card game which is all role-playing-ish and you have a little person. Mine is a hideous troll since I didn't buy the full version, and I play against people named things like Tragen. Also I think if I buy the full version I can use magic spells to help me excel in the game. Funny enough, the time I did the best in the game was when I was only paying attention half the time and was really watching spiderman on tv. Also I keep being up at weird times of the night for no good reason and then when I finally decide to go to sleep I can't. Sucks right? I think this is all wrapped up in the fact that I'm on break but Diana's not home. God I wish she was. Oh well I just have to wait till Dec. 24th.

It seems unfair that I am miserable constantly. Why can't things go back to normal?

YAY! I just found out in the mail that I got a $1500 scholarship to be in the theatre department at catawba! This is based entirely on my audition and resume and no academic things are taken into account. This is pretty fucking exciting, I hear they only give up to $2500 per year and I got a good portion comparatively. I also haven't even gone to the academic scholarship thing yet, so we'll see what else I get.

Things I can now do:
-Join the army
-Get Married without parental consent
-Buy tobacco products
-Get piercings
-Get tattoos (but not of john shultz's face on my ass...)
-Buy porn
-Vote
-Go to renaissance faires without having Carmen be my legal guardian for the weekend

I cleaned my room. It's pretty intense. Also I've become addicted to solitaire. Strange.

So I'm a dumbass. And I know better, but I can't help it. Right now when I feel the most abandoned, the most alone, the most vulnerable emotionally I decide to look. I know I shouldn't I know that not looking can keep it out of my thoughts, but even over a year later seeing those pictures and having those dreams still reminds me of those almond moments of pounding hearts and hobbit feet.